At the time of tip-off, there was a small black globule, kernel-sized, between the Cavalier bench and the three-point line. You would have thought it was a peppercorn or rat excrement, but then, the Q is a basketball arena, not a Burger King. By 6:53 in the second quarter, with the Cavs down to the visiting Milwaukee Bucks by double digits, this blackness had expanded to something the size of a softball. The type of thing even a large snake would have trouble wrapping its unhinged jaws around. As the haggard Cavaliers trotted out of the locker room for a brief shootaround before the start of the second half, Tristan Thompson almost mistook the obsidian-colored sphere for a basketball before remembering Right: basketballs are orange and seamed, not gleaming and the color of death. Silly Tristan. The ball grew throughout the second half, in concert with the mounting futility of the Cavaliers’ effort. First slowly, then fast, as if it were inhaling a winter’s worth of Lake Erie wind all at once. The Orb of Desolateness engulfed Luke Harangody, but absolutely no one noticed. I mean, Luke’s mom noticed, but even she was like Easy come, easy go. I guess my son is trapped in a Hell Sphere or whatever for eternity. I’m gonna go check on the pot roast. Then the orb exploded and now everyone who attended this game is blind, but also immortal.
Or something. The Cavs lost, I’m pretty sure. Did they demolish the concept of basketball in the process? Are they required to play more games, or can they just call it a season and hop in a tricked-out Delorean that transports them to draft day? I’ll be at the bar, you guys. Meet me there if you’re still breathing.
UPDATE: And apparently, Kyrie Irving sprained his right shoulder in the third quarter. So… woof.