Hey all, Brian Spaeth of the legendary and defunct YAY! Sports, who’s had an open invitation to post here since the beginning, has decided to share with us. Without further ado, the first guest post in Cavs: The Blog history:
A Look At LeBron’s Feature Film Project
Hey so I saw that LeBron signed a movie deal last week, and as an important movie writer and Cavaliers fan, I couldn’t help but think about how it might come out.
As such, what follows is my vision for Fantasy Basketball Camp. It needed the title adjusted, but otherwise, this is the movie I hope to see.
LEBRON JAMES’ FANTASY BASKETBALL CAMP BEGINS
At the start of the movie, Nic Cage is having hamburgers with his busy son, who is Shia LeBeouf, and the reason he is busy is because is he leaving home to have his important college experience, and also Nic’s wife is dead because of a car accident that was Nic’s fault because of his beer.
After Nic drops him off, he goes to meet his friend, who is Bruce Willis, and Bruce is at his important businessman job, and that means he has to be on his technology video-phone with Japan while he plays Nerf basketball with Nic, and Nic isn’t doing good because of all his problems, like Shia leaving, and especially his sad weiner that doesn’t work anymore, and Bruce laughs at him for having that.
Nic is not happy about getting laughed at, and he tells Bruce this, and he says it like, “I didn’t come here…TO GET LAUGHED AT!!!” and he says that last part like he might have high blood pressure, and also he punches the technology video-phone and pulls his toupee off at the same time.
That’s when their friend in Japan on the technology video-phone, who is the Iron Chef, says that his weiner is sad also, and maybe they can all go to a special basketball camp with a famous basketball player, and that will help them be cool and young again, and improve their vertical leaps. Nic is not sure, but then Bruce makes a bet with Nic about a Nerf shot, and Bruce wins the bet. That’s when the Iron Chef is like, “Game on! Hee-ya!” and they get on Bruce’s helicopter, and some of Bruce’s helpers carry the technology video-phone onto the helicopter for Bruce, because leaving the Iron Chef at home would not be cool since going camping was his idea.
Bruce is jealous of Nic having a dead wife.
When the airplane lands, there are cheerleaders in bikinis, and they give Bruce and the Iron Chef jerseys with their names on it. One of the cheerleaders, who is Jessica Biel, gives Nic his jersey, but it just has a sad face instead of his name, and that’s because Bruce told everyone about Nic’s weiner problem, and how not even the doctor’s special pills will work for that. Also Patrick Ewing is there for his camping trip, and he gets a jersey that says Hakeem Olajuwon.
That’s when the famous basketball player comes out, and he is LeBron James, and he is wearing a Yankee hat so all the paparazzi can go crazy and make up their exciting stories. LeBron is really excited to have his new friends at his camp, and he tells them that they each get one basketball fantasy they can have, and that they need to think about it, because LeBron will use sneaky tricks and special effects and quaaludes to make them learn their important life lessons.
[NOTE: I honestly haven't worked out the middle portion of this - if you aren't familiar with the process of movie writing, this Act II part is often the most difficult.]
So seeing that the Iron Chef isn’t having fun because of his new AIDS makes Nic finally know his lesson about not eating Shia’s hamburgers, and he uses his Fantasy Basketball Camp wish, and that wish is that nobody dies in the water hurricane except for Bruce, and even LeBron is like thinking maybe Bruce took those jokes about Nic too far, so he uses some quaaludes to kill Bruce, and LeBron bites his nails while he does this.
Also Nic’s weiner works again, and he starts dating Jessica, and Shia comes home from college to see that happen in real life, and not on a technology video-phone.
Brian Spaeth is the writer and star of Who Shot Mamba?, a Broadband Motion Picture debuting October 13th on Koldcast.tv. You can see the second trailer exclusively at the Facebook Page, and it’s the public’s first look at Bill Walton’s footage. Brian has also published two novels, and writes regularly at his own blog.