Summer Headlines

“I am not just a hustle guy,” Tristan Thompson on his role within the offense.
Photo Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Editor’s Note: With summer in full swing, we thought we’d gather some news that you might not have heard yet, concerning many of your favorite Cavaliers’ summer plans, brought to you by Nate Smith and our crack reporter, David Wood.

Tristan Thompson to Switch Shooting Hands, Again.

While waiting for his agent to finish contract negotiations with the Cavaliers, Thompson reportedly reached the decision to switch (again) after talking to DeAndre Jordan at a Los Angeles nightclub. Jordan and Thompson discussed their reputations as hustle players. After the L.A. Clippers showed a “renewed commitment to making him a major part of their offense.” DeAndre re-signed, and now he reportedly hates when people think an offense can’t be run through him. “It’s disrespectful. I could just as easily take 98% of my shots from ten feet out and still be effective. I just choose not to. I might even quit dunking this year to prove a point. CP said I could, right before I signed.”

Tristan, currently unsigned by the Cavs, expressed a similar feeling. “I get offensive rebounds because I want to, not because I don’t have a spry face up game. ‘Dre told me that after watching me shoot left handed my rookie season he thought I had the potential to add a 3-pointer.” Jordan believes that the lack of arc when Tristan shoots left handed would help him shoot the 3-ball effortlessly.

Jordan said, “The ball has less distance to travel when it doesn’t arc so high. Tristan would have to exert less energy on that shot than most guys. He’d still have the energy to defend at a high level.”

While Tristan works on learning how to shoot 3-pointers with his left hand, the Cavs organization has been watching. At this time, no one could be reached for a comment. Tristan has attempted just six 3-pointers his entire NBA career.

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Crowe as Maximus in the 2000 hit Gladiator

Matthew Dellavedova in Talks with Crowe, Ridley Scott to Shoot Gladiator Sequel.

Russell Crowe, an avid NBA fan, is very fond of his fellow Australian, Delly. “Matthew is a stand up mate. He’s a tough bastard who is always looking for a fight. He took out Kyle Korver, and got Taj Gibson ejected during the playoffs. As South Park revealed to the world, I love fighting!” Crowe thinks that Delly could make an even better Maximus than he himself did.

On Crowe’s recommendation, Ridley Scott is reportedly in talks with Dellavedova to shoot ” Gladiator 2″ after Scott finishes his long rumored Blade Runner sequel. “I watched Delly in the playoffs, and I think we might have something there. At the very least, he could be a stunt double.” Delly reportedly called Scott when he read about Nick Cave’s never produced script for Gladiator 2, in which Maximus returns to Earth from purgatory. Crowe reportedly passed on the script, but thinks Delly “might be crazy enough to pull it off.”

Matthew is very excited that his fellow countryman likes him. “Growing up in Maryborough, every kid wanted to be Russell. Gladiator was the first rated M movie I saw when I was just ten years old.” Delly, who is known for his non-stop effort, will be method acting for the movie.

“Mr. Scott knows I have to focus on the upcoming NBA season, so we are going to film the movie in the 2016 offseason. I plan on being Maximus for the next 11 months, though.” The whole world will be watching as Delly treats the court like the coliseum this season. Dellavedova is unsigned as of now.

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Carroll, Varejao, Shumpert, and Olynyk to Join “The League of Extraordinary Hair” this Summer.

Some of the NBA’s most famous locks are teaming up to form a new “super league” of well coiffed basketball stars. “This league is meant to compete with summer leagues like the Drew League and will feature NBA players, college players, street ball stars, and international stars with powerful dos,” said league promoter, Don King, in his first foray into the basketball world.

Anderson Varejao acknowledged that it is hard to field teams of guys with amazing hair, but he said the league has discussed several compromises. The most interesting one consists of letting prospective players sign a binding contract forbidding non-sanctioned haircuts for one year. That contract also allows them to play even if they have a bad hair day.

When asked why the hair matters so much, DeMarre Carroll was taken aback. He said, “Remember when Blake obliterated Mozgov a few seasons ago? That was brutal. Now, imagine Blake had long hair. His hair would have been blowing back in the air and the dunk would have looked even more viscous. Great hair is like a natural ferociousness meter.”

Getting Ogie Menor to play could be what makes or breaks The League of Extraordinary Hair.

League founders have sent invitations to Lou Amundson, Cartier Martin, Dirk Nowitzki, Norris Cole, Ogie Menor, Nerlens Noel, Elfrid Payton, Mike Miller, “Mowhawk” Marcin Gortat, and several other undisclosed names. “We’re even thinking of getting ‘The Worm’ out of retirement,” King commented. The league is sponsored by Paul Mitchell Hair Products. They will announce a ten city tour in the coming weeks.

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J.R. Smith Advocating Four-Point Shot

J.R. Smith is not only trying to figure out where he will be playing this coming season, but he has also taken on a league altering project. JR explains, “The 3-point shot is just too easy now. You’ve seen me spin in a circle, step back, blink twice, and nail it. I need a challenge. I’m currently talking with the League about adding a 4-point half-court shot.”

JR believes it will also help someone like Kobe Bryant chase scoring titles more efficiently. “Kobe is about 4,000 points behind Karl Malone for number two on the all time scoring list. He deserves a chance to catch him, and the 4-point shot could help him do that. 100 4-pointers is like a hundred points more than a hundred 3-pointers.”

“We either wanna do it like the Globetrotters, or maybe have different heights like back from the MTV days. Maybe we could even do a five-pointer. Would that be too much?”

In between moments of “Riding around on my scooter, waiting for Griff or my agent to call,” Smith is also planning a line of merchandise based on his new, “Pipe Bomber” brand. Smith thinks the name is more fitting than “Pipe Layer,” a name he earned after a raunchy tweet during his Knicks days. “The 4-point shot is way more in your face than anything in the NBA currently has. And, we all know I’d  lead the league. I’m always droppin’ bombs out there. Hence, the name ‘Pipe Bomber.’ The ‘Pipe Bomber’ is going blow up every NBA arena next year.” J.R. had no comment when he learned of Commissioner Adam Silver’s pending “cease and desist” letter, and in scheduling a followup, Smith’s agent also had no comment, other than to say, “J.R.’s not allowed to talk to you anymore.”