Contest: Help Cory pick a new favorite Cav!

When Dion wasn’t in the starting lineup as previously advertised for the 76ers game, I knew there could be only two possible reasons for his absence. I assumed he was in the locker room throwing up from the stomach bug that’s going around (or a pool party hangover), or he had been traded. Sadly, it was the later. I began feeling a bit under the weather myself the night of the trade. When I awoke the next day, I knew I had the bug. I threw up Glacier Freeze G2 all day. In a  fitting symbolic end to the Saint Weirdo era, even my bile was Oklahoma City Thunder light blue. My favorite Cav has traded walleye for whips and I’m without a guy to irrationally root for on the roster.

With that, I propose a comment section contest. I’ll list what I like and dislike about every member of the Cavs roster off the court and in the comments section tell me who your favorite Cav is and why. Personality goes a long way with me and it’s what made me gravitate to Waiters, so I’m primarily going to focus on what the players have to offer off the court.

KYRIE IRVING

YAY: I became immune to celebrity after living in LA, but I was a smidgen star struck when I meet Kyrie on the platform for Millennium Force. I didn’t want to bug him because he was with a breezy, but I did quickly thank him for making being a Cavs fan fun again. Amusement parks are my nerdiest subterfuge and Kyrie likes them too. It’s insanely embarrassing how much I know about parks and ride manufacturers when I’m with company because I want to geek out over it without looking like a brutal psychopath. Some people knit, some do Vicodin bombs, I rides roller coasters.

BOO: I was always in Dion’s camp. If they had to trade one of them, I wanted it to be Kyrie for multiple reasons. No matter what their beef was about, where there’s smoke there’s fire…Or there’s a page view spam journalist.

LEBRON JAMES

YAY: He’s dictated the leagues primary plot angles since 2009 and those off the court angles are why the NBA is the most compelling American sport away from the actual playing venue by a mile. He’s got his own agenda and at times he can be more conniving than a cockroach. His premeditated actions of selfishness and spin remind me of my favorite character from The Wire, Stringer Bell.

BOO: The hate in my heart from The Decision was washed away years ago by 320 pages of Scott Raab’s brilliant The Whore of Akron, a troika of draft lottery jubilation and countless liters of Irish Whiskey that have killed the brain cells that logged that hate in the first place. Sometimes killing brain cells is beneficial if they logged your bad memories. That being said, he totally reminds of Stringer Bell. I’ll never fully trust him.

KEVIN LOVE

YAY: I don’t like him in the racist, he’s the best American WASP player since Larry Bird kind of way. The thing I like most about Love is his family connections. His uncle Mike Love was a member of the Beach Boys. I’m not a fan of the Beach Boys catalog at all; however, I’m a huge fan of Charlie Manson. Mike’s bandmate Dennis Wilson was so close with the Manson family, that they lived at his Sunset Boulevard estate. The Cielo drive murders of Sharon Tate and friends happened because Manson wanted them to kill Beach Boys producer Terry Melcher. Kevin Love is only three degrees of separation from Charles Manson. That’s spooky and awesome.

BOO: It’s still early but it’s completely possible that trading Andrew Wiggins for Love with be remembered as a horrible trade for the Cavs. I was okay with the deal at the time, because they are in win now mode. Tristan’s development and my assumption that as LeBron continues to lose agility he’ll become more of a 4 should have been factored in more. In the next two years this could be a shockingly un-athletic

TRISTAN THOMPSON

YAY: He’s genuinely a good person, probably because he’s Canadian. I’ve found that Canadians have better dispositions than Americans do. I’ve never meet a Canadian I didn’t like. I love maple syrup, poutine and Clamatos. If it wasn’t so cold in Toronto, I could live there because Canada’s Wonderland is so close. One of my requirements for living in a city is that there’s a top shelf amusement within an hour. I can only live in Los Angeles, Boston, Orlando, Charlotte, Chicago, Toronto, or Cleveland. Cedar Point may be the mother vine in the Cedar Fair empire, but Canada’s Wonderland is probably their second best park.

BOO: I’m not into revisionist history too much, but the 2011 draft was shockingly deep. What would like team look like if they would have just drafted Jonas or Klay Thompson. Sigh. Get over it Cory, stop beating that dead horse unless you want some PETA terrorist to ruin your shoes with red paint.

ANDERSON VAREJAO

YAY: He’s got fun hair and he never goes into “chill mode” no matter what the Cavs record is.

BOO: That contract though. Paying a guy $10 million a year is a lot when you consider that he only plays a third of most seasons. Of Griffin’s moves thus far at the helm, giving Andy $20 million over the next two years without seeing how he fits with the new team is my biggest issue.

TIMOFEY MOZGOV

YAY: He’s Russian. I’ve been fascinated with Romanov Dynasty since middle school, and Russian women have it oh so going on. I question daily after reading unoriginal memes on Facebook if the Soviet Union was supposed to win the Cold War and we’re stuck in Bad Earth now because of our victory. Every time he scores I want to hear Lana from WWE boast “Vladimir Putin.”

BOO: He’s Russian! If my grandfather climbed out of his grave, he would beat me with one of his femurs for rooting for a Russian.

SHAWN MARION

YAY: He’s one of the most unique players over my lifetime of watching basketball.

BOO: How long is he really going to be a Cav? I don’t want to burn another 2,155,350 đồngs on another polyester tank top made in Nicaragua by children for a guy who probably won’t be on the team in two years.

MIKE MILLER

YAY: He took less money to play in Cleveland.

BOO: He’s in the debate along with Emeka Okafor as the worst rookie of the year of the past 30 years.

IMAN SHUMPERT

YAY: When I was a child, I wanted to be black because I wanted an afro and my Nordic genes gave me naturally straight hair. While Shump doesn’t have a fro, he does have a swank flat top.

BOO: Those injuries though.

MATTHEW DELLAVEDOVA

YAY: He’s Australia, and they love to party

BOO: I bartended at dive bar two blocks from a hostel in LA. Australians are perhaps the biggest pains in the arse to deal with worldwide when they are drunk. Their rowdiness makes total sense because they are the descendants of the criminally insane from England. I never understood why the English would sail that far to establish a penal colony. It’s not like they had an issue with just killing people. Half of the tourist attractions in London are devoted to torture.

JAMES JONES

YAY: He lives in LeBron’s guest house and knows where LBJ buried his bones in Miami.

BOO: He lives in LeBron’s guest house and knows where LBJ buried his bones in Miami.

J.R. SMITH

YAY: After losing a dynamic personality like Dion, I’m glad to have Smith to help fill the void. “You trying to get the pipe” may be the greatest social media response ever.

BOO: So much baggage that you’d think you were carrying The Rockettes luggage at the airport.