On Reconciliation

I’ve often wondered about the stories of divorced couples who get remarried — especially when there may have been another relationship in the middle for one or both parties. How do couples learn to trust each other again? How do you remember the past without dwelling on negativity? How do you get over the hurt you’ve caused each other? I’ve been pondering these questions because I’d really like to repair my relationship with LeBron.

That’s right, I have a relationship with LeBron. Before you call to check me into a sanitarium, let me clarify that I’m fully aware that LeBron doesn’t have a relationship with me. Millions of Cavs fans in northeast Ohio and around the world have a relationship with LeBron, but it’s physically impossible for him to reciprocate that individually. He can only deal with us collectively. And judging from the response to his homecoming at Akron U, the overwhelming demand for tickets, and the fact that Cavs fan have crashed the Cavs.com website, most of the fans have forgiven him and couldn’t be more excited about the future. But me? I’m not there yet.

I spent four years getting over LeBron leaving Cleveland and embarrassing the team, the city, and its fans on national TV and in the weeks that followed “The Decision”. For the first two years after he left, I got physically ill when I watched him. The contempt and disgust I had for him was so palpable, that for the first year I wrote here, I couldn’t even address LeBron by name. It was always something like “LeGone,” “LeFraud,” etc. (“LeChuck” was my favorite — my term for the “LeBron Special” — the late shot clock give-up fadeaway three pointer. It became increasingly rare during LeBron’s time in Miami.) Some referred to Mr. James as “the one who shall not be named:” a reference to the villain from Harry Potter.

We all know the history in Miami. In 2011, the Heat were stunned by a Dirk Nowitzki led Mavericks team in the finals. That loss sated much of the mob’s lust to see LeBron fail and to see Miami’s hubris repudiated. In 2012, a basketball machine rolled through a strike-shortened season to dismantle a clearly unprepared Oklahoma City Thunder: Bron’s first championship. In 2013, we had come to begrudgingly respect what had been built in Miami: a a revolutionary “positionless” basketball team, which played its best defense away from the basket: trapping, forcing turnovers, and getting LeBron and Wade transition buckets that were virtually automatic. Depite that brilliance, in the 2013 finals, the Heat were one minute from elimination before miraculously defeating the Spurs in Game six and going on to win a championship. In 2014, Miami limped to the finals in one of the worst Eastern conferences history, only to be dismantled by San Antonio. LeBron was non-committal on returning to South Beach; we tracked Dan Gilbert’s plane via twitter; and now, here we are… less than 12 hours from seeing LeBron take the court in a Cavs uni for the first time in over four years. It reads like one of these stories from “Second Time Around: Four Couples Who got Divorced… Then Remarried Each Other”

“He never gave up on me,” says Suzann, and after a few years, when she’d moved back to be closer to her kids, “he told me he still loved me…”

Maybe that’s why “The Decision” hurt so bad. Because we loved the guy — not just the winning and the basketball wizardry. He was “one of us,” and had come up through incredible adversity in the heart of Northeast Ohio to become the best basketball player in the world. And when he he left and no longer wanted to be one of us, well, that love turned to bitterness. I don’t want to be bitter anymore.

Their 2000 divorce wasn’t acrimonious, but it was painful enough that Rebecca felt she couldn’t remain friends. “I still loved him.” So when, a year or so later, Greg [Dan Gilbert] knocked on her door… to say that they’d made a big mistake and he wanted to try again, she went for it. “We both knew, deep down, that it was right.”

I think I’m starting to well up, here.

During their first six years of marriage, they had two children together — and Alan had an affair. “He left me for the other woman when our younger child was an infant — and the most devastating thing was finding out that the affair began when I was pregnant,” says Celeste. After the divorce, her life bottomed out: She lost her house, moved in with her parents, suffered from depression. Slowly, though, she put things back together and, after a year or so, she was involved with someone else.

Clearly, I am Celeste in this situation, Miami is the younger woman, and Matthew Dellavedova is “someone else.” I just don’t know if I can trust again. I don’t know if I can give my (basketball) heart to ‘Bron again. Also, my Mom thinks it’s time for me to move out of her basement.

Why it worked the second time around: “We can finally talk about everything without tears or bitterness,” says Celeste, adding that she’s able to stand on her own two feet. “I’m much smarter now, about money, about what it takes to keep us going, about everything.”

Yup, LeBron and Cavs fans really are like some of these re-united couples. And yes, David Griffin is clearly being much smarter about money and what it will take to keep the Cavs going. This is really therapeutic. I feel like I’m closing in on a breakthrough.

Perhaps I need to take some pointers from a WikiHow article: 13 steps on “How to Get Back Together After a Divorce.”

1. “Do it for the right reasons. Don’t make sex the reason you are getting together. Or the kids. Or money considerations.” Clearly, LeBron’s essay makes this feel like the right reasons. Of course, he is going to make a lot of money… And he does want his kids to grow up around here… This has me worried. Also, metaphor fail on the first part.
2. “Don’t bring up old grievances. If the relationship is going to work out, there is plenty of time to talk about those things, hopefully in front of a trained professional. For now, just enjoy each other. “ AMEN. No one even mention Delont — damnit, I did it all ready. So yeah, if we start seeing painful possessions where LeBron dribbles for 20 seconds, and Kyrie Irving starts hopping up the court on one leg like Damon Jones, it’s time to take the whole team to a counselor.
3.  “Date like you are strangers. Don’t be too ‘familiar’ with each other. Be respectful, kind, considerate, and thoughtful…just like you’d be with anyone you are trying to get to know.” Even though we’ve secretly admired LeBron from afar for a couple years now, as he’s grown into the player we always envisioned he could be, we need to approach this like a new relationship. Express appreciation when he throws a no-look pass, or flushes a half-court lob. And when he goes to the post, give him a smile… OK, Nate, you’re just being creepy now.
4. “Have fun. More than anything, now is the time to do the things that you never allowed yourself, while you were married. Try out new restaurants. Take in a play. Walk by the water. Hike in the mountains. Many marriages fail because couples don’t have much fun together. Be sure to introduce a lot of good times, hard laughing, silly moments, and enjoy each other.” Cheese Cake Factory, here I come… (Kidding!). But yeah. Don’t take games to seriously. Enjoy the moment. Try not to over-analyze too much (especially early) and remember to fly around your living room like an airplane when LeBron tip dunks as the first half closes.
5.  “Do it alone. Be sure to go out by yourselves, not only with your children or with friends. While it might feel more comfortable having a ‘buffer,’ when the two of you decide to ‘try again,’ include time alone, in a public place, as well as in your home.” Uh Oh. I’m supposed to have people over for the Wine and Gold game tonight. (Yes, I’m hooking Cavs.com on my laptop up to the big screen). Should I just close myself off in my room? Maybe we should just ignore this one.
6. Yeah, this one we’re skipping.  You can guess what it’s about.
7. “Mutually agree on when you will announce to your friends and family that you are once again ‘an item.’ It can cause hard feelings when one of you tells everyone you know that you are ‘getting back together,’ when that wasn’t what your ex- had in mind. Agree when you will ‘make it official.'” Have to say both Gilbert and LeBron did a great job on this. No one spilled the beans before either one was ready. LeBron met with Pat Riley and treated him decently — ‘Bron’s ex teammates too. There was no “Decision,” just a thoughtfully crafted essay. And even though LeBron clearly wears the pants in this relationship, Dan gave ‘Bron his space, and LeBron hasn’t done anything to undermine Dan’s timing of announcements.
8.  “Get marriage counseling. It failed the first time for a reason. Maybe you realized that reason when it kept showing up in other relationships. Learn how to have a passionate, happy marriage that works. Evidence-based treatment for marital distress is very effective in teaching couples new ways to interact with each other. Learn these new ways well, and apply them in your new (old) relationship.” Dan Gilbert should be doing this with Chris Grant, David Blatt, and LeBron once per month. What’s working? What’s not? Are the Cavs going to be able to compete in playoff crunch time? Are the cheese and breads compatible on the catering table? Does LeBron’s crew like faux gras or cavier? I can tell you from experience that you can never have too much counseling.
9. “Move in after a lot of discussion. Many ‘second timers’ recognize that their first courtship wasn’t thoughtful or slow enough. Don’t assume that moving in isn’t a real ‘commitment.’ Again, take it slow.” And this bit of advice makes me think a lot about getting my LeBron life sized cardboard cutout from storage. That spot in my man cave has been empty for four years (Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter.) Maybe I should take LeBron cutout (LeCutout) to counseling before I put him back up.
10. “If you plan to re-marry, set a date. Don’t just jump into it, assuming you already were married so that this time “doesn’t count.” Set up an engagement period, go to couples counseling, pick out dress (it doesn’t have to be white or fancy) and select who you will invite to the wedding. It is very important that you have a community acknowledge your (re-)commitment to each other. This should not be an after-thought. Be as serious about re-marrying your ex- as you were (or should have been) the first time.” In honor of that, I’d like to invite you all to a little “re-commitment ceremony” at LakeFront state park. It will be the day of the Cavs first regular season game (Oct. 30th), and the dress will be from T.J. Max. LeCutout asks that everyone arrive at least fifteen minutes before 1:00 for music and processional. Music will be courtesy of Tom Pestak’s boombox and will be a mash-up of Drew Carey theme songs, Michael Stanley and the Resonators, Devo, the Black Keys, and Bone Thugs. Be sure to clear out before 1:05 when Cleveland’s finest come to lock me up.
11. “Plan a honeymoon. You are building memories of your early years, even if this is a repeat. Be deliberate in where you go, what types of things you do (or don’t do) while you are on your honeymoon, and make it memorable. ” LeCutout and I are definitely going to be honeymooning in my den and possibly on a train trip to Chicago. Don’t worry. Our first night will be special: candles, soft music, Fred McCloud, a sixer of Fatheads… The Cavs will be spending their honeymoon on an early western road trip. Don’t worry. Only two of their first nine games are against serious playoff teams.
12.  “Pay attention to old fighting styles as they re-emerge, and get help right away. There are plenty of opportunities to clash, as you are getting back together: when to tell others, when to be intimate, when to move in, when to marry, etc. Recognize that successful marriage have conflict. This is not the problem. The problem comes when this conflict escalates. Learn to fight with each other in a way that is mutually respectful, keeps things in perspective, and avoids name-calling, defensiveness, criticism or stonewalling. Keep engaged in your fights, but keep a sense of humor. If you can’t, get help to learn how.”  Don’t worry. I know the inexplicable Kings loss is coming. I promise to limit myself to 3000 word comments. If I see too many isolations, LeCutout and I promise to to bring our counselor to David Blatt’s office for a sit-down.
13. “Make a commitment to make this new marriage your last one. Commitment is a vital pillar that stabilizes relationships. Focus on the benefits of being with this person, not the drawbacks. Every relationship has benefits and drawbacks. Remind yourself daily how fortunate you are to be re-united. Vow never to use the “d” word (divorce) again, no matter how angry you become. And put this relationship ahead of all others in your considerations.” Yes, I believe LeBron is here for the long haul. In fact, LeBron cutout has an appointment to be laminated (and sprayed for silverfish).  But we are all fortunate to be re-united, and I do plan on putting my relationship with the Cavs above all others.  In fact, my wife will probably tell me to sleep in the guest bedroom when I put LeCutout next to our bed for those late night west coast games. I plan on him sleeping there for the next ten years.

Seriously, I’m almost there. I know there will come a point in the season, whether it’s tonight, or two months from now, when LeBron hits Delly in the corner for three with a no look behind the back pass, or when Andy and ‘Bron chest bump at half court, or when Kevin Love throws ‘Bron a full court alley-oop outlet pass. I’ll completely forget about the last four years, and just be in the moment. I can’t wait for that. Anyone who’s ever gone through a rough patch with someone and then gets back together knows what a great feeling that is. That feeling of, “Holy crap. I was happy today,” and when you’re in that moment, you don’t even realize what you weren’t thinking about till hours later. I know there will come a point where I’ll get through a whole game without even thinking about the past– when I’ll be totally focused on the playoff race or who’s winning MVP. That’s when sports fandom is at its best: when it’s completely joyous, silly, and escapist. I know the breakthrough’s coming.

Note: Nothing in this article was meant to denigrate counseling, people with mental health problems, and/or people with marriage problems. It was a lighthearted attempt at humor and self-depricating writer therapy. Please take it as such.