Running Diary: All Star Saturday Edition

February 16th, 2013 by Mallory Factor II

I’ll save you guys the read – Tonight, Kyrie Irving again outdid himself, winning the three point contest.

I, of course, knew that was coming.  So I decided to do a running diary of all star Saturday.

8:15 – Got caught up in a game of NBA 2k13.  What’d I miss???????  Yum, Sierra Nevada Ruthless Rye.

8:17 – When I think NBA culture, I definitely think Ellie Goulding.  BOY AM I PUMPED!  NBA ALL STAR SATURDAY, 2013 BABY!

8:21 – Nick Cannon MCing the night…and the seats are COMPLETELY empty!  What’s going on?

8:22 – I’m not sure I understand this whole East/West thing.  We’ll see how it plays out…D-wade vs Chris Paul.  Lots of leather on the screen right now.

8:23 – I’m officially on board with this new Shooting Stars format.  Muggsy Bogues is playing.  Anytime you can have an aging, 5’6 5’3 (thanks for the reminder, Tom!) NBA player on national TV, you obviously do it.

8:25 – Minnesota’s WNBA team is called the Lakes…They really couldn’t come up with something a little more unique?


8:27 – Nice porn stach, Matt Bonner….

8:31 – Is there anyone less deserving of the attention he’s receiving than Macklemore?  Is it just me, or is he incredibly off-putting?  At least the intro video is kind of cool.

8:33 Ohhhhh – So it’s East Vs West, some sort of point system, and the winning conf gets to donate to its charity of choice.  Nice.  I’m down with this format.

8:37 – SHOOTING STARS!  First up, West team A!  37.9 Seconds…wow!  My guess is they win.  Or they go to the finals.  Or something…Still having issues with the format.

8:39 – Whoa!  West team B just finished in 29.5 seconds!  Crazy!  Remember when they used to have to find random players to fill out each’s team three-person roster?  Making them general East/West seems to have allowed the cream to rise to the top.  Those first two times are nuts!

8:45 – MUGGSY BOGUES!   He’s having some trouble getting the ball to the basket from the half-court…My childhood is officially dead.  Brook Lopez finally hits the half-court shot for a time of 1 minute and 7 seconds.  Yikes.  Victory, west.  It’ll be team Bosh vs team Westbrook in the finals.  But the west gets 10 points already, for having a better cumulative time.  Still confused.  Maybe another beer will help.

8:52 – Dominique Wilkins completely forgot how to shoot.  God I love the Shooting Stars Challenge.  Team Bosh finishes with 1 minute 29 seconds.  Remember, the west had a team with 29 seconds…

8:54 – Russel Westbrook rims two shots in and out from the half court.  UH OH!  GONNA GO DOWN TO THE WIRE!

8:55 – WOW!  THE EAST WINS!  WITH A TIME OF 1:29!  Team Westbrook got to the half court with nearly a minute to hit the shot…annnnnnnd failed!

8:56 – Nick Cannon asks Chris Bosh why they won, and Bosh responds “We were hitting our shots.” Uh…Ok…Whatever you say buddy.  Poor Dominique has a sore elbow.  Time to hit the ice!

9:03 – Skills challenge!  They should call it the SKILLZ challenge.  Much edgier, younger.  I love that the competitors can win scholarships for kids.  That means they can also lose scholarships for kids.  I really wish we could’ve seen Kyrie in this competition.

9:06 – Jeff Teague misses the layup!  I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened.

9:08 – East finishes with a decent time of 1:50.9.  Damn you Jeff Teague!  You’re going to cost them points!

9:10 – “While Chris Paul is always ready to get his game face on, Cliff Paul is always ready to get his CLAIM face on.” – Awesome.

9:12 – Hey guys, remember Linsanity?  That was fun.

9:15 – TONY PARKER BLEW IT!!!!  Took him 20 some-odd seconds to hit a three. EAST WINS!  I’m beginning to get this E/W thing.  I’m down.

9:16 – Taco Bell’s ads are absurdly well done.  All I want is a taco right now.  Sprite’s advertising of a guy getting manhandled on the ground?  A little less convincing.

9:19 – So the Shooting Stars competition is worth way fewer points than the skills challenge.  A social commentary of the value of elders vs youth?  Way to get political, NBA.  Damian Lillard wins…in the most anti-climatic way.  But a kid gets a scholarship.

9:23 – During the award ceremony Nick Cannon refers to the guy presenting the award as a Taco Bell Financier…The guy is a Taco Bell Franchisee.  #Fail


9:28 – Crap, first I have to sit through a performance of Phillip Phillips?  Time to flip to Kansas/Texas…

9:31 – Flipping back to see if Mr. Phillip (Mr. Phillips?) is done.  And he’s not.  Seriously, NBA, do you not understand your market?  WHAT IS THIS?????  MAKE IT STOP!  I’ll admit, though, the guy’s got some pretty cool shoes.

9:32 – The crowd erupts in applause as he finishes!  They’re going crazy!  WOW! – Wait…no they don’t…it’s nearly silent.

Things I enjoy more than the few seconds I watched that performance: Jury duty,  getting a root canal, fighting with my girlfriend, working late, falling down stairs, etc. etc.

9:36 – THREE POINT CONTEST TIME!  intro video features a lot of KYRIE KYRIE KYRIE!  Time for another beer.  Gotta calm my nerves.  DO IT, YOUNG FELLA!

9:38 – About to drink a delicious Fat Head Head Hunter IPA from Cleveland, OH! Thanks Nate!!!!

9:39 – Matt Bonner is now the Red Mamba?  What????  Seriously, dude, it’s time to shave.

9:40 – Cliff Paul is in the stands…I’m now questioning whether or not he really does exists.  Google says he’s not real.  I’m still uncertain.

9:42 – Ryan Anderson’s shot form confuses me.  But whatever, it works.  18 for him.  Steph Curry had 17 before.

9:43 – Next up, Red Mamba.  God I hate that nickname.  He finishes with with 19 points putting him in the finals.  Somewhere Win Butler is cheering.

AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, KYRIE!  I’m about to have a heart attack.  The happiness of my entire weekend is now predicated on this moment.

9:47 – Has anyone tried the surface yet?  Is it any good?  The ads makes me think it’s awful…

9:48 – KYRIE TIME.

9:49 – 4 points after rack one.  5 After rack two.  ARGH.  8 After rack three.  I might start crying.   13 After rack four!!!!!!  Kyrie finishes with 18!!!!!!!!  Reggie Miller likes his form.

9:50 – Paul George up.  Love this guy’s game, but I’m betting against him winning.

9:51 – Paul George finishes with 10.  As long as Steve Novak stinks, Kyrie is in the finals.  Screw the East vs West thing, I want Kyrie to win.


Shout out to Nate for giving us good luck in the form of Head Hunter.  Delicious AND helpful.  Extremely bitter on the finish with beautiful fruit notes in the nose.

9:58 – KYRIE TIME, PART 2!!!!!!!  Reggie says no one would’ve guessed Kyrie would make it.  Uh, I bet we all did.  Kyrie drains all 5 from the first rack!  11 points after two racks!!!!!!!!!  HOLY CRAP, 16 AFTER 3 RACKS!  OH…MY…GOD!!!!!!!  20 AFTER FOUR!  ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 23 POINTS TO FINISH!

WOW!  WOW!  WOW!!!!!!!!!!  Time for another sip of Head Hunter!  We got this.

10:00 – Wow.  Bonner is making this a game!  But I think Kyrie has it after four racks.  BOOM!!!!!  Sorry, Arcade Fire – Victory: Irving.


10:02 – The west is up by 20, but WHO CARES.  Kyrie is a cold blooded winner.  Love it!  Kyrie is so subdued.  So well spoken, such a good kid.  Love this guy.  The background music is “I’m a Champion.”  Hell yes.

I can rest easy now.  We won.  Dunk contest next.

But first….FALL OUT BOY!  Seriously, NBA?  Commenters – what’re your thoughts on the music?  I cannot, for the life of me, figure this out.

10:07 – Lots of MJ love from Fall Out boy.  And check their slick hair!  It’s like the early 2000s all over again.

10:13 – How old is Gwen Stefani?

10:13 – 43

10:16 – I always have mixed feelings about the dunk contest.  On the one hand,  there’s so much potential.  On the other hand…it’s often boring as a rock.  They probably should’ve let Kyrie Irving in the competition.

10:17 – Shaq’s pants make me feel uncomfortable.  Shaq and Charles Barkley bantering makes me feel uncomfortable.  Pretty much anything involving Shaq is uncomfortable at this point.

10:19 – Dikembe Mutombo, on the other hand, is so awesome on so many levels.  That Geico ad?  AMAZING.  I’m definitely down with him being a judge.

10:20 – The NBA should ban leather jackets from all star weekend.  And shouldn’t allow Lebron anywhere near ASW Saturday until he’s in the dunk contest.

10:21 – First up?  GERALD GREEN!  Off the side of the backboard, behind the back?  Amazing.  50 points!  Nothing will beat the cupcake dunk, though.

10:22 – Flight attendants for James White?  Cheesy.  And he misses the dunk.  Ultimately, scores a 45.  Why is Queen Latifah sitting court-side?

10:23 – Charles Barkley can’t differentiate between the names Gerald and James.

10:25 – Terrence Ross having some issues here.  Even Dikembe can’t watch.  But he ultimately scores a…50??????  What?  Next up, Kenneth Faried.

10;25 – Off the backboard 360 dunk earns him a 39.  LAAAAME.

10:27 – Charles Barkley openly admits that he thinks anyone from Alabama (note: Bledsoe is from Alabama) will win.  But Eric Bledsoe scores a 39 on another lame dunk.

10:31 – Jeremy Evans, last year’s winner, dunks over Mark Eaton.  WOW.  Words cannot describe this dunk ( Eaton is sitting, holds ball up, Evans dunks behind his back?  Nope, doesn’t do it justice.)  Crazy dunk.  But Evans only scores 47???

10:36 – James White up again.  Charles Barkley is distracted by someone in the stands wearing a hoodie.  He does not approve of wearing hoodies inside.

10:37 – Carmelo Anthony has started taking fashion tips (sunglasses) from Janis Joplin, apparently.

10:38 – James White runs out of time.  Poor guy.  Misses his last attempt.  Apparently the minimum score you can get is 30…  That’s silly – Why don’t they just make it a 20 point scale then?

10:39 – Gerald Green is cutting the net off for his dunk.  I wonder where this is going…

10:41 – GERALD GREEN IS TRYING TO DUNK THE BALL TWICE!!!!!!!!!  But he looks tired.  He’s not going to land it.  Final score: 32.

10:43 – Green is able to land the dunk!  After he’s done, though.  Charles Barkley does not approve of the dunk.  He thinks hanging on a rim is easy.  There are a lot of things Charles Barkley does not approve of.

10:44 – I do not approve of Dwyane Wade’s shirt.

10:45 – Charles Barkley just announced HE doesn’t approve of Wade’s shirt either.  I’m not even kidding, he made a comment.  WOW.  Terrence Ross scores a 49 on a 360 dunk!  Not sure I agree, but whatever.  East’s final score?  258.

10:47 – Faried lands a CRAZY off the backboard, between the legs dunk.  Score: 50!

10:48 – WOW!  ERIC BLEDSOE WITH A NUTTY DUNK.  Windmill behind the back (off a self pass) for a score of 50!  The west coming back with fury!

10:50 – Jeremy Evans dunks two basketballs.  Didn’t we see this done by JaVale McGee?  Score: 43.  West wins this round – East: 258, West: 268.  The winner of the final round (between Terrence Ross and Jeremy Evans) gets 55 points and the final victory.  This is getting too complicated.

10: 54 –

10: 54 – Barkley is asked what he thinks we’ll see in this final round…and Chuck says if he was home, he’d be watching season two of Homeland.  Way to love what you do, Chuck.

10:55 – Literally the only person excited about the final round of this dunk contest is Nick Cannon.  That’s including the contestants.

10:56 – Jeremy Evans pulls out a prop of a painting.  And Kenny makes a crack that watching him paint would be more interesting than watching the end of this contest.  Seriously,  these guys are getting paid????

10:57 – Jeremy Evans dunks over a picture of himself dunking over a picture of himself making the dunk of him jumping over a picture of himself making a dunk of himself making…you get the idea.

10:58 – The NBA – keeping Kevin Hart relevant since… I dunno when.

10:59 – Terrence Ross!  WOW!  Off the side of the backboard, 360 windmill.  Impressive!

11:01 – HOLY!!!!!  JEREMY EVANS!  FLOATS for a dunk over Dante Jones.

11:02 – Terrence Ross does a between-the-legs dunk over a little boy (insert inappropriate joke here.)  Pretty awesome dunk, though.

My pick?  Jeremy Evans.

11:04 – Shaq doesn’t even know the names of the people competing.  His pick?  “I’ll take that last guy…I don’t know his name…”

11:05 – And the winner is…TERRENCE ROSS!

11:08 – If you’ve made it this far in the article, you’re a trooper.  Give yourself a pat on the back.

11:10 – Aaaaaand the west wins.  Money to charity.  I’m happy about that.  Totally worth it.

11:11 – Make a wish!  Also, Kenny thinks the three point contest was the best part of the night.  Charles Barkley says Charity is the big winner.  And that the dunk contest needs help.  He wants stars in the contest.  I’m assuming the NBA agrees with him.  Ya hear, Lebron?  Blake?  Durant?

11:13 – Hot Hot Heat’s “Goodnight, Goodnight” is playing in the background of the stadium as the night ends.  Kyrie Irving, as usual, owns the night.  Unless you guys want me to live recap the Charles Barkley interview after, this one’s in the books. Goodnight, Cleveland!