Archive for the ‘Silly Posts To Help Us Cope’ Category

On Reconciliation

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

lebron cutout2

I’ve often wondered about the stories of divorced couples who get remarried — especially when there may have been another relationship in the middle for one or both parties. How do couples learn to trust each other again? How do you remember the past without dwelling on negativity? How do you get over the hurt you’ve caused each other? I’ve been pondering these questions because I’d really like to repair my relationship with LeBron.

(more…)

2014 NBA Draft Live Blog

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Mallory and Nate will be consuming craft beer (drink responsibly) and live blogging the 2014 NBA draft.  #GoCavs

Holy cow!  I’m late.  A long trip to New Jersey to get some Great Lakes (I swear) has resulted in me being late.  But HOLY MOLY ANDREW WIGGINS!   Thoughts?

2nd Pick is (no surprise) Anth…errr Jabari Parker.  What do you guys think?  Perfect fit?  I’m glad he’s near home, at least?  Who should Philly pick?

Nate: Mallory, So I’m drinking Fat Head’s Sunshine Daydream Session ale.  You?

Mallory: I’m freezing some GLBC Wright Pils.  Lets hope it’s cold in time for me to make fun of LA.

3rd Pick is…JOEL EMBIID!  Nate is probably excited about this, because he loves broken down centers (which there are now two of in Philly…)

(more…)

CtB 2014 Mock Draft

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Who doesn’t love a mock draft? At this point, we’ve all read dozens. Why not one more!? CtB’s mock now has 25% more mocking! For the first pick, we all got together and voted, and then we went by order of seniority to pick everyone else in a classic snake draft. Riveting, right? Aside from the 18 trades that will happen, tonight, we’re sure this is exactly how it will play out.

(more…)

#WellActually You’re Wrong to be Outraged about the Lottery

Friday, May 23rd, 2014
you-can-catch-more-flies-with-honey-than-with-vinegar-well-actually-a-study-showed-that-the-vinegar-gets-more

I promise to pen only one rant-post a season.

Let me start by saying I currently have two enormous pet peeves frequently generated by journalists/pundits.  The first is the use of the word “nuance” or “nuanced” which is code for “I am enlightened and/or reasonable enough to understand that the world isn’t black and white, there are “shades of gray” and therefore my “nuanced” discussion or analysis is superior to your opinions, which are essentially Neanderthal grunting”.

This thinly-veiled hubris is insufferable, and the phrase du jour has permeated every sector and level of journalism.  It’s one thing when the almond-milk drinkers at The Atlantic are using it; it’s another when sportswriters writing about…well sports, revert to it over and over and over.  Can we go back to talking like characters from “da Bears” sketches already?  It’s just as intelligent, only without the overwhelming smugness.

(more…)

A Bunch of Random Observations, One Liners, and Parenthetical References

Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Matthew Dellavedova has stolen our hearts. Maybe he should have been the No. 1 pick.

Could the Cavs just save themselves a lot of money and heartache by using the DraftExpress top 100 prospects list to run their draft every year?

Kyrie Irving has to be embarrassed that Matthew Dellavedova has played better defense in two games than Irving has in any game in two seasons, right?

Matty D should get a start tonight. Though, I’m not sure our perception of his defense against Washington wasn’t amplified by the fact that he was the only one playing it. Also, Randy Whitman helped more than a little.

Watching a Brown/Whitman coaching duel is like watching kindergarteners play Stratego.

Subway’s sponsorship of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire makes me more than a little queasy. <Insert Sriracha joke here>

(more…)

Sizing up the Central: The Milwaukee Bucks

Thursday, August 29th, 2013

I know you remember the game the picture above is from.  So do Dion and Andy, as they daily recollect the commitment they made to each other in this moment…”we will never let the Bucks beat us like that again”.

And they’re right; Brandon Jennings is gone.  Following up on Robert and Patrick’s looks at the Pacers and Bulls, I drew the short straw and preview Cavs versus Bucks.  On the other hand though, the Bucks were the Eastern Conference 8th seed last year; this may be the most important match-up for the young, playoff-hungry, Wine and Gold.  On to it…

(more…)

Kevin’s Pseudo-Scientific 2013-2014 Projections, Part 3!!

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

Last week, an “unbiased” and “good case” view for the 2013-2014 Cavaliers season was offered through the lens of basketball-reference.com’s Win Shares data.  More so than any team in the NBA though, the spectrum of likely outcomes spans wide for Cleveland.  Built from an enticing mix of players young and / or repeatedly beset by injury, a 30-win or 50-win season is believable.  A sampling of outcomes driving the team toward another lottery trip looks like: (more…)

Kevin’s Pseudo-Scientific 2013 – 2014 Projections, Part 2!!

Friday, August 23rd, 2013

The week began with an “unbiased” projection utilizing Win Shares for the 2013-2014 Cavaliers season.  That is a fine disposition for a Monday, but heading towards the weekend, the sun shines brighter, skies are bluer; it’s time for a cheerier outlook than 41 wins.

Transitioning to a “good case” only took three adjustments.  The end result with those modified Win Shares per 48 minutes and Win Shares is:

(more…)

The Summer of Rationality

Thursday, August 22nd, 2013

Hi! I’m Patrick Redford, new staff writer here at C:TB. Here is Part 3 of my discussion with Nate and Tom.

Most teams exit through out door of the offseason hopeful about their future, if not their present as well. However, it’s dark inside that ride and the sun tends to blind with contrast once you’re outside. Reality will knock a lot of teams on their butts. Prospects will stall out, contracts will go unearned, and promised successes will turn into lottery slots. This is the rule of the offseason, and the zero-sum nature of the NBA obviously prevents every team from improving this year. I have a lot of expertise in this area, having also followed the Kings for years. The last few summers featured the Maloof ship actively sinking, and as it was taking on more and more water we were told, “Don’t worry! John Salmons has come back to save us!”

(more…)

Dear Papa Noel…

Monday, December 24th, 2012

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone.  There will be no complaining today or tomorrow from anyone on the Cavs the Blog staff.  December 23rd was Festivus, and we’ve spent the better part of the last month practicing the traditional “airing of grievances,” at least as far as the Cavs are concerned.  So regardless of whether the Cavs won or lost Saturday night in Milwaukee (they won), it seems like a good time to reassess our attitude towards the team.  One of the reasons that it’s good to do this is that when we write about the team, watch the team, and dissect the team on a daily basis, it is easy to forget that these guys are human.  They have families.  They have friends.  They have dreams.  They have fears.  They have stories of tragedy.  They have stories of triumph.

One story that always sticks with me is when I was at a Cavs game several years ago, and they were asking all the Cavs’ about their favorite Christmas memory.  Zydrunas Ilgauskus’ story always stuck with me.  He said (I’m paraphrasing through the haze of memory), “My favorite memory was my rookie year in Cleveland because it was the first year that I was able to have a Christmas tree, because I grew up in the U.S.S.R.”  That story cuts through a lot of BS.  There are more important things in life and in the world than basketball.

One thing I like about the current Cavs team, is that they seem like a pretty good group of guys.  I dare you not to like some of these guys after watching this video of them visiting the Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital on December 4th.  In fact, the Cavs website is packed full of lots of great holiday moments.  For a list of some of the many charities that the Cavs support, go here.

So with the warm wishes of the holiday season in mind, we thought it would be fun to come up with a Christmas wish list for the Cavs.  In some cases it was hard to come up with something appropriate, but we tried to delve into the depths of the Cavs’ psyches to get a glimpse into what makes them tick, in order to come up with a crappy gift for each one of them.

Kevin Jones: Our most recent Cavalier addition has been relegated to lugging around basketballs, buying donuts, and generally being the butt of most of the good natured rookie ribbing.  He’ll be getting the ubiquitous Krispy Kreme gift card, for all those donuts he’ll be buying over the next few months.

Donald Sloan: According to his twitter account, Donald Sloan is wishing for tickets to the Cotton Bowl where Oklahoma is playing his alma mater, Texas A&M.  Sadly for him, the Cavs have a game that night.  In lieu of that, the elves have weaved this snazzy t-shirt, commemorating the 2013 bowl game, which should suffice.

Jon Leuer: For a history major in college, and a current NBA player, what could be a better gift than an NBA history book?  One written by Bethlehem Shoals of  FreeDarko.com, a blog that published an NBA history book, certainly seems apropos to me.  May you leave your mark in the sequel, Jon.

Samardo Samuels: The 2008 USA Today High School player of the year lists his favorite show as “Martin” and Will Smith as his favorite actor on his NBA profile.  What better item to get for a man who loves Will and Martin?  Only a commemoration one of the finest duologies by one of the great auteurs of the 21st century: that’s right, Samardo, may Santa bring you an autographed copy of the poster for Michael Bay’s Shakespeare rivaling epic: Bad Boys II.

I'm talkin' 'bout Mike Lowwwery.

Luke Walton: What better gift to give everyone’s favorite deadhead than yet another Grateful Dead boxed set?

Alonzo Gee: For the NBA’s most underrated dunker we’re asking the fat man for an all expenses paid trip to the 2013 NBA all star game to participate in the dunk contest.  We know you can do it, Alonzo.  This is going to happen.

Jeremy Pargo: So judging from his twitter pics, he’s a fan of the striped socks.  So here you go, Jeremy.  I know.  It sucks to get socks.  But these are pretty classy…

C.J. Miles: For the self proclaimed “king of video games” Santa’s trolling ebay for the rare NBA2K13 dynasty edition, which retailed for $99 when it was released and now sells for no less than $150 on ebay and other sites.  Enjoy C.J., I hope I never meet you online, because I’m terrible at that game.

Tyler Zeller, Tristan Thompson, and Kyrie Irving: For the guys that represent the most masked team in NBA history, we’re going to lobby David Stern to remove the requirement that your masks be clear and have the elves make bad@$s custom artwork to strike fear into the hearts of Cavs’ opponents.  If the elves won’t do it, then click on the pic for the guys who will.

Omri Casspi: What should we get him for Hannukah?  (I know we’re a week late).  After lots of research to come up with something appropriate, I decided to leave it up to the experts, and just get Omri a gift certificate to Lax and Mandel, which according to google and their own website, is Cleveland’s #1 Kosher Bakery.

YUM

Dion Waiters: So Dion, I uh, kind of made you a T-Shirt.  That’s right, get your own Saint Weirdo t-shirt, right here.  It’s yours, Dion.  Embrace your enigma.  Embrace your inner saint.  Embrace the weird in wine or gold.

Byron Scott: A tie from E. Marinella of Napoli, makers of some of the finest neckties in the world. I’m quite sure that would be right up Byron’s alley.  Santa, you’d better have some cash.

Zydrunas Ilgauskus: If you’ve seen him lately, you’ll notice he’s quite svelte, and that he wear’s some pretty classy sweaters.  Here’s a tasteful piece from Nordstrums, snooty department store of the west.  Pricey, but we know Z’s on the nice list.

Chris Grant: A treatise on strategy, not that he needs it.  But maybe a book on unorthodox strategy could help him take on the big boys.  But perhaps something even better, a wargame, Hannibal: Rome versus Carthage.  He and Z should stay up nights playing it.  Hint.  We’re Carthage.

Dan Gibert: What should Kris Kringle get for a man who has everything?  A coffee mug, of course.

Daniel Gibson: Don’t know what to get him.  I’m finishing this article at 3 in the morning, checking his mad twitter.  It’s incessant.  It never stops.  My personal favorites, “A turkey sandwich right now would put me in gangsta’s paradise.”  and “I was battling internally with myself and my conscious.. trying to piece it all together” but my favorite is “It’s 2:30 n the morning & I have come to the conclusion that Black folks never see Big Foot, nor do they hunt them. #ItsAWhiteThing”  I don’t know what to ask Santa to get Daniel “boobie” Gibson, so I’ll just say “thank you.”

Thank you Boobie for being positive and hardworking the entire time you’ve been in Cleveland.  I have a feeling that this might be your last Christmas in a Cavs uniform, with your contract expiring, and if it is, I just want to say, that you’ve been a joy to follow for your entire career in Cleveland.  You’ve done a ton of work in the community.  You stuck up for the whole team when LeBron tried to punk us in the comeback game.  You’ve been here since you were 20 years old, and you’ve been nothing but a class act.  You exude a mix of positivity, professionalism, and just enough fun quirkiness that you always leave me with a smile.  And you’re also responsible for my single greatest Cavs memory.  So Merry Christmas to you and your family, Mr. Gibson.  I hope Santa uses his best judgment and brings you a lifetime of happiness, and that you keep ballin’ and helping people here and around the country.  Dang.  I just got a little misty…

Anderson Varejao:  As much as I’d like to get him a spa day, I think I’d rather wish for an All Star game slot.  So if you’re listening Mike Woodson or Eric Spoelstra, you’d better be adding Andy to your squad, cause he’s the most hustlinest passinest funkylayupinest reboundingest statstuffinest center this side of Barra do Chuí (the southermnost city in Brazil), and clearly at the top of Santa’s “awesome” list.   If you don’t give him some run in Houston, Papa Noel will mess your stuff up.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays everyone.